I was frustrated and feeling trapped at work. My two colleagues, whom I admired, moved on with their lives and careers and left the company. My manager has changed, so my intention to grow up and be promoted seemingly went out of the window. I needed to start from scratch.
Feeling stuck. Photo by Tomas Tuma on Unsplash
I felt things are out of my control, and wanted them to be different. I seriously considered quitting my job.
There was blaming people and circumstances. "Colleagues have left me." "The former manager has left me behind." "The new manager doesn't know me, and I have to start all over again." That was recurring self-talk in my head. Oh, the drama!
Fortunately, this happened during my coaching training, and we were working on our beliefs. You can only get your clients as far as you got yourself. And boy, did we do the inner work!
I had a beautiful chance to practice getting past my frustration and stuckness. And I would like to share the way out with all of you.
What do you do when you are stuck or feel frustrated?
Common spiritual and philosophical wisdom gives us a clue: when we feel stuck and powerless, it happens because we put the cause and blame outside of us.
The truth is - we cannot control others or the world around us. We can influence it but not control it. When we believe that it’s all about THEM or THAT, we relinquish responsibility and deny ourselves the power to change.
The good news: we can change our attitudes and mindset. And here lies the way out. Here lies your breakthrough.
When you are stuck or feel frustrated, do this exercise.
List your beliefs and assumptions, which lead you to stuckness/frustration:
What must I believe about MYSELF?
What must I believe about THAT (external world, circumstances, time, money, etc.)?
What must I believe about THEM (people involved)?
Check how real and/or how workable these beliefs:
Are any of these beliefs true?
Even if they may be true, how do any of these beliefs serve me?
Make a choice:
Am I willing to let go of the belief that it’s all about THEM and THAT and take responsibility and power back?
Am I willing to let go of the beliefs about myself that are not serving me?
Transform a belief:
What do I want to believe that would serve me in this situation?
How will I behave if I adopt this new empowering belief?
Exercise in the real world
Here is how the process looked in my story.
Beliefs and assumptions, leading to my frustration:
What must I believe about MYSELF?
"I must prove that I am right, and I am worthy, and promotion is a way to go!
What must I believe about THAT (external world, circumstances, time, money, etc.)?
"It’s not fair to delay the promotion because my manager has changed. The only way out is to quit and change companies!"
What must I believe about THEM (people involved)?
"My managers don’t care about my growth and development."
Reality and workability check applied:
Are any of these beliefs true?
Looking at the beliefs above, I realized that none of them were true. I don’t need a promotion to feel worthy. It may not be fair to delay my promotion, but I procrastinated to talk with my former manager, so “delay” was my responsibility too. Deep down, I knew that my managers cared about me (there was a lot of evidence for that).
Even if they may be true, how do any of these beliefs serve me?
They didn't serve me at all! I was miserable. I was trying to make a point, prove that I am right and others are wrong. As the result, I felt frustrated. I felt that I am not defining my worth. It was a futile battle, draining joy and energy from my life.
Making a choice:
Am I willing to let go of the belief that it’s all about THEM and THAT and take responsibility and power back?
Heck, YEAH! I wanted to be responsible for my life. I genuinely believe in spiritual truth, that heaven lies within. The choice was obvious.
Am I willing to let go of the beliefs about myself that are not serving me?
Yes, I was willing. I must be honest: it took time, it wasn't an instant transformation. Letting go is often a gradual process, and it was for me.
Transforming a belief:
What do I want to believe that would serve me in this situation?
I don’t need a promotion to feel worthy. I enjoy my work. I trust my colleagues and my manager to support me. If I put my mind to it - I can do anything I want
How will I behave if I adopt this new empowering belief?
I will openly speak about my growth and my concerns with my manager. We will set reasonable developmental goals together. I will ask for help and support if I feel that I am stuck. I will do my best without being attached to outcomes.
The outcomes
Six months forward and I had built beautiful new relationships at work, grew professionally, contributed meaningfully at work, completed several training programs, and certifications as an agile and as a team coach. And I was promoted. Bonus: I got accredited by ICF as a professional coach (ACC) and started a transformational coaching side-business.
But much more importantly, inwardly, I got more peaceful and stopped struggling to “battle” and try to control things that I cannot 100% control. I started to trust myself more, focusing on meaningful work and growth, trusting that the outcomes will follow (and they did!). I (mostly) enjoyed 6 months at work instead of struggling my way through.
And it spilled over to people around me.
In conclusion
Working on my beliefs took several rounds, and I had a coach who helped me. This article describes the core of the process, and you may need some help too.
But even doing this exercise on your own may be a transformative experience. Give it a try!
Don’t let your own beliefs get in your way. Focus on “Inside-Out” as opposed to “Outside-In” and take your inner power.
Where do you feel stuck in your life? What belief may be holding you back?
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